A Miracle..

In October I was busy preparing a birthday party for Jaxson, my first born. His birthday was on a week day so we decided to have the party the following Saturday, October 15^th. It was going to be a race car/ truck party at a local park. I got together party favors and made a table cloth to look like a road. He was so excited for the party he would say, “Is this for my happy birthday party?” Ha, I love his phrases. Wednesday that week was his actual birthday so we made happy birthday pancakes, had some presents and cupcakes later that day.  Thursday I started baking cupcakes for the party. I wasn’t feeling great but I thought maybe I hadn’t rested enough that day and just needed to lie down. I finished baking and went to bed late.

I woke up several times with back pains. Finally at about 4 AM I realized I was going into labor pretty quickly and woke up my husband. We called my mom, and bless her for coming to stay with Jax at 4 AM! We were a little shocked because it was two months early, but we knew anything could happen at any point. I kept hoping that these were false labor pains on the ride to the hospital. (Why is it that when you are having these awful labor pains, the car ride is soo LONG?! Every bump seems to bring on another contraction!)  I wanted him to have the best chance possible to prove everyone wrong and make it through despite the Trisomy 13. I prayed to God: my baby is sick, please be with him. When we got to triage, we found out that my regular Dr. (who never takes a vacation) was on vacation until the next Monday. The nurses asked if I had spoken with my Dr. about early labor and created a plan. We hadn’t of course! I had an appointment the next week that we were supposed to discuss all of these things during. I stayed for a few hours and we decided to try to stop the labor. I was given a shot to stop contractions. They monitored me for a while and then allowed my husband and me to go home once the contractions had completely stopped. I was really happy and hoping that this would work and Gabriel would stay cookin for a little longer. At this point all I could think was how I had so much to do for Jaxson’s birthday party and I was supposed to be on bed rest for a whole day! I don’t think so.

I did take it easy that Friday and tried not to do too much. I put together some more things and made some fondant while my mom and sister decorated cupcakes for me. I was so determined to make Jax a cake, AT LEAST! It was going to be a bright red fire truck, he’s obsessed. So Friday afternoon I started having contractions again but they were all over the place and not close together. I laid down and rested but they persisted. I kept praying over and over and over “Please God, give him more time, it’s too soon.” My husband put Jax to sleep and we waited. I took a shower to ease the pain and then they started to get closer. At about 11:30 PM I called my mom and we took Jax to her house this time. I waited in triage for a few hours again. The nurses gave me two shots to stop the contractions this time. This was our last attempt, if this didn’t work; we were just going to let the labor proceed. We stayed until about 6 AM and then were released because I hadn’t had any contractions for three hours or so. By the second hospital stay, Julio and I were exhausted. We went home and went back to sleep. I woke up at 10 and was having contractions again, but they were one right after another this time. We went into the hospital around 11 and were admitted pretty quickly. Labor is intense but ladies, having your husband rub your back with a racquet or tennis ball really does do wonders!! We had this nurse, Kristen, who was absolutely amazing. The nurses truly make or break the experience. My Dr. was still out of town and so another Dr. was going to deliver the baby. He was also a great person to have in the room with us. He was so empathetic and helpful. Gabriel Ruiz was born at 4:22 PM on October 15^th, 2011.

I will never forget the moment that I first saw him. He was born two months early and breathing on his own, even with all of the problems inside his little body.  ‘A fighter of epic proportions’ according to Julio. They put him on my chest and Julio and I couldn’t believe that he was here, he made it. We couldn’t stop staring at him and kissing him. Suddenly, he opened his eyes to look at us. He cuddled up to me just right and clutched my finger, then grabbed his Dad’s finger. We talked to him and told him how much we love him. And then, the most amazing thing happened, he cried. He cried and started to get color. His heart rate began to be normal even! His little quiet cry was the most beautiful sound, I couldn’t breathe. I can’t believe he let us hear him and look into his eyes. I wanted this moment to last forever. It was perfect. He had lots of dark hair, brown eyes, chubby cheeks just like his big bro and dad. He looked exactly like Julio and Jax, except he had my hair and hands. The funny thing was he was a little bit chubby already, he was gorgeous. After a little alone time with Gabriel, Julio and I decided to start letting in a few family members at a time. We wanted everyone to meet him if they had the opportunity. My mom brought Jax in first. He was a little nervous but we told him this is your little brother Gabriel. Slowly all of our family nearby had come in to see baby Gabe. Since he was doing so well, we had everyone come in at the same time and just spent some time all together. My sister called our friend who is a very gifted photographer. She took so many precious pictures of us all with Gabriel. Those pictures are irreplaceable, they are beautiful and I will treasure them for the rest of my life.

We had this time, where everything seemed to stop. All the problems were invisible and there was peace in that room. Instead of all the negatives going through our heads, we talked and loved Gabriel. Jax, Korben, and Mateo played and made us laugh. We honestly were happy and completely unaware that our newborn son had so many health issues. How is this possible? Only an angel can bring instant peace, comfort and love within a family.

The moment came, when I knew something was wrong. Julio’s mom was holding Gabriel wrapped in blankets and a cute green striped hat. She told him that he felt a little cold. He was still breathing and looked to be sleeping. We re-wrapped him and Julio held him tight. I wanted to give him kangaroo care right then and there but I didn’t, there were too many people and Julio needed to hold his baby too. Eventually the NICU Dr. came in to check on Gabriel and I saw her listen to his heartbeat and then examine his body. She wrapped him back up and gave him back to Julio. She then came and spoke with me. She said he was beautiful and I did an excellent job. I looked at her and she told me, he’s passed away. Julio stood up and hugged me with Gabriel in his arms. I was numb, I didn’t believe her. He was just here.

I didn’t even notice everyone leave the room to give us time alone. There are no words for the way I felt. Heartbroken doesn’t begin to explain it. Julio and I couldn’t even talk; we just cried and held onto our baby we wanted so badly to wake up. After a while, we were moved to a recovery room where we were invited to stay as long as we would like but at least for one night. Julio had been holding Gabriel and handed him to me to hold. Looking at his face, you just knew he wasn’t with us anymore. He was gone and his lifeless body was so cold. He almost seemed heavy. Our wonderful nurse helped us to start talking and was so empathetic towards us. She was truly an angel as well and she will always have a special place in my heart. What are we supposed to do? How do we even begin to process this? All of the feelings of sadness, bitterness, anger, and guilt rushed back from the day we first found out about Gabriel’s condition. Some of the nurses took Gabriel’s measurements and weight in our room. They gave me a pink plastic tub and some baby Johnson soap. I gave him his first bath crying. This should be a happy experience with my baby crying until I wrap him and hold him. The nurses took him and made plaster footprints for us to keep for him; and ink prints also. When they brought him back to us, he was wearing the clothes we had gotten for him the week before. A white and gray thermal onesie, a gray and white striped beanie and some tiny socks. They had also placed him in a small white basket on some crocheted blankets. They left us alone to be with him. We were supposed to get some sleep that night, yeah right! I remember lying down and just crying with him. I held him, and then lay next to him holding his little cold hand all night. Why, why was he taken from us? So many thoughts ran through my head all night. I ended up falling asleep for a couple hours before waking up to a new day. A new day without my baby boy. Julio and I called our family and offered for them to come say goodbye to Gabriel. Somehow we were going to leave the hospital that day and we would have to leave Gabriel there.

Everyone came and said their last goodbyes. When Jax came he sat in a chair and held the basket holding Gabriel. He said “I love you Gabriel, I love you little brother. Hi baby.” My brother got this on video; I think we all broke down. I couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing these brothers together again. Julio and I couldn’t leave; we stayed and held him until late afternoon. Our nurse from the delivery was our nurse again that day. We cried with her and begged her to please take care of our son. We decided to go home at 6 PM that day. We went out through the maternity doors without our baby. I was holding some of our keepsakes and a white rose that the staff had given us. We got everything into the car, said our goodbyes to Kristen and drove away. I couldn’t breathe, again. What just happened? The song from The Band Perry came on ‘If I die young’. Has anyone heard this song? It talks about the sharp knife of a short life, just the right words. I couldn’t take my eyes off of the white rose. I honestly don’t know how Julio walked out of the hospital and drove us home. He is amazing.

Needless to say this was an incredibly sad and heart wrenching experience. What we have to think in order to live each day is that we were blessed to have Gabriel even if it was only for a short time. Gabriel made it past almost all of the obstacles that he faced. He gave us four incredible hours with him. I am so grateful and proud of him. He was truly a beautiful miracle. After carrying and meeting him, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I can’t imagine not having him in my life. He has blessed our family in so many ways. He will always be my second son named Gabriel. We will always remember him and carry him with us throughout our lives.

The Diagnosis..

How do I start this? I am a stay at home mom of two boys. My first was born October 12, 2009. My second was born October 15, 2011. When I found out I was pregnant with our second child, I was nervous and ecstatic at the same time. I was so scared that this was not the right time. Time.. huh funny how it is never the right time? Anyway, I kept imagining the chaos of two kiddos running around the house and me chasing after them all day. After a few weeks I started to feel better about it and even got a little excited. After a few months my husband and I told our families we were expecting another child. His due date was December 09, 2011. Everyone was excited and life could not have been better.

I went in for a routine ultrasound at about 20 weeks. We were so excited because this was the ultrasound that would tell us whether this baby was a boy or girl. I remember that my husband and I were fighting over something so mundane that day. I can’t even remember what it was. They called my name and we went into a dim lit room for the ultrasound. In my experience, the tech usually guides you through what he/ she is looking at and measuring. They usually tell you what is what and how large the head is and so on. During this ultrasound it was complete silence. She took a photo of the pelvis area and pointed out that this wonderful baby is a boy. She found the heartbeat and told us simply this is his heartbeat. She went on measuring and getting still shots of several organs with no conversation. After finishing she told us that she was going to speak with the Dr. and he would be in to speak with us in a moment. My husband and I were so overjoyed to be having another boy mostly because our first boy is amazing and would love love a brother. The tech eventually came back in and told us that the Dr. would need to web conference with us because he is not in. Immediately we knew something was up. We went into an office and spoke with a Dr. through the webcam. The Dr. said ‘We have discovered some birth defects with your child. They look to be very serious. The defects are comparable to those associated with a genetic disorder called Trisomy 13. Trisomy 13 is “incompatible with life”.’ Incompatible with life. The most insensitive and devastating words I have ever heard. They have certainly left an imprint in my brain. So cold. I don’t think I heard much after this. The DR told us that we would need to schedule an amniocentesis to confirm that our baby boy had Trisomy 13. We went right away to the office that the DR was located at and had the procedure done. After the procedure the DR told us a little more about Trisomy 13. Trisomy 13 is a disorder where the each cell in the body has an extra copy of the 13^th chromosome. There is a type of trisomy 13 called mosaic trisomy13. This means that the extra 13^th chromosome is only present in some cells instead of all cells in the body. People born with this can live several years with the right care, our child did not have mosaic trisomy. He also told us that the baby could pass away at any point. He could be stillborn, or he could live for a few hours or days. He said there is no chance at a life with this child, he cannot survive. He said that we had the choice to terminate this pregnancy if we so choose.

My husband and I were speechless. I remember walking to our car and bursting into tears as soon as we closed the doors. I don’t think I stopped crying for days. How could this happen? Maybe they are wrong. Maybe the images were warped in some way and my baby that I feel kicking me is healthy. I felt him grow and kick me and I’m hungry just like every other pregnant mom. I never even considered terminating this baby. I asked my husband how he felt and he felt the same. We don’t have the right to take away someone else’s life. I told him a mother’s love is instant. We’ve already bonded and he’s ours for as long as we are blessed with him.

We eventually told our families about our new baby boy’s diagnosis. Everyone was supportive and told us to be strong. God never gives us anything we can’t handle they said. I realize this is supposed to be comforting but please. My concern is not for myself at the moment; it’s for this innocent baby boy who hasn’t been given much of a chance. For my 1^st son, who is having his little brother ripped from him before he even understands what a brother is. For my husband who has to stand up and hold all of us after this awful news.

We went on with the pregnancy as normal while hoping and praying for a miracle. We decided to name our baby boy Gabriel. It means God’s warrior. It was rare that he made it this far and we decided to name him for how strong and beautiful he is/ was. We met with the head of the NICU at the hospital we were going to deliver at. My husband and I decided that when and if Gabriel was born alive, we wanted as much time with him as possible. We wanted to immediately hold him and not have him rushed to a surgery or given breathing tubes. We wanted him to have peace and to feel loved. The DR recommended a beautiful birth plan written by a nurse who had a child born with a similar condition. The plan is called “String of Pearls”. http://stringofpearlsonline.org/. After this we just waited and I tried to keep Gabriel as healthy as possible. The emotions were a roller coaster. How was I supposed to plan for my child’s death, before he was born? I kept wondering if this was a dream. This baby kicks me as much as my first did, maybe even more. I really was happy because I felt him every day, we lay together every night. I can’t describe the bond between mother and child, you only know if you have experienced it. It’s beautiful; I couldn’t help but be grateful for him and love him with all my heart. In October I started to feel different. I was having a lot of stomach cramps and started to feel that tiredness that happens at the very end of pregnancy. I almost knew he was coming soon. I decided I needed to get him clothes, and at least one blanket. I think my husband thought I was paranoid and kinda nuts. I can’t explain this either (ha some writer right?) I just knew he would be here soon. It was time to meet Gabriel.