A Miracle..

In October I was busy preparing a birthday party for Jaxson, my first born. His birthday was on a week day so we decided to have the party the following Saturday, October 15^th. It was going to be a race car/ truck party at a local park. I got together party favors and made a table cloth to look like a road. He was so excited for the party he would say, “Is this for my happy birthday party?” Ha, I love his phrases. Wednesday that week was his actual birthday so we made happy birthday pancakes, had some presents and cupcakes later that day.  Thursday I started baking cupcakes for the party. I wasn’t feeling great but I thought maybe I hadn’t rested enough that day and just needed to lie down. I finished baking and went to bed late.

I woke up several times with back pains. Finally at about 4 AM I realized I was going into labor pretty quickly and woke up my husband. We called my mom, and bless her for coming to stay with Jax at 4 AM! We were a little shocked because it was two months early, but we knew anything could happen at any point. I kept hoping that these were false labor pains on the ride to the hospital. (Why is it that when you are having these awful labor pains, the car ride is soo LONG?! Every bump seems to bring on another contraction!)  I wanted him to have the best chance possible to prove everyone wrong and make it through despite the Trisomy 13. I prayed to God: my baby is sick, please be with him. When we got to triage, we found out that my regular Dr. (who never takes a vacation) was on vacation until the next Monday. The nurses asked if I had spoken with my Dr. about early labor and created a plan. We hadn’t of course! I had an appointment the next week that we were supposed to discuss all of these things during. I stayed for a few hours and we decided to try to stop the labor. I was given a shot to stop contractions. They monitored me for a while and then allowed my husband and me to go home once the contractions had completely stopped. I was really happy and hoping that this would work and Gabriel would stay cookin for a little longer. At this point all I could think was how I had so much to do for Jaxson’s birthday party and I was supposed to be on bed rest for a whole day! I don’t think so.

I did take it easy that Friday and tried not to do too much. I put together some more things and made some fondant while my mom and sister decorated cupcakes for me. I was so determined to make Jax a cake, AT LEAST! It was going to be a bright red fire truck, he’s obsessed. So Friday afternoon I started having contractions again but they were all over the place and not close together. I laid down and rested but they persisted. I kept praying over and over and over “Please God, give him more time, it’s too soon.” My husband put Jax to sleep and we waited. I took a shower to ease the pain and then they started to get closer. At about 11:30 PM I called my mom and we took Jax to her house this time. I waited in triage for a few hours again. The nurses gave me two shots to stop the contractions this time. This was our last attempt, if this didn’t work; we were just going to let the labor proceed. We stayed until about 6 AM and then were released because I hadn’t had any contractions for three hours or so. By the second hospital stay, Julio and I were exhausted. We went home and went back to sleep. I woke up at 10 and was having contractions again, but they were one right after another this time. We went into the hospital around 11 and were admitted pretty quickly. Labor is intense but ladies, having your husband rub your back with a racquet or tennis ball really does do wonders!! We had this nurse, Kristen, who was absolutely amazing. The nurses truly make or break the experience. My Dr. was still out of town and so another Dr. was going to deliver the baby. He was also a great person to have in the room with us. He was so empathetic and helpful. Gabriel Ruiz was born at 4:22 PM on October 15^th, 2011.

I will never forget the moment that I first saw him. He was born two months early and breathing on his own, even with all of the problems inside his little body.  ‘A fighter of epic proportions’ according to Julio. They put him on my chest and Julio and I couldn’t believe that he was here, he made it. We couldn’t stop staring at him and kissing him. Suddenly, he opened his eyes to look at us. He cuddled up to me just right and clutched my finger, then grabbed his Dad’s finger. We talked to him and told him how much we love him. And then, the most amazing thing happened, he cried. He cried and started to get color. His heart rate began to be normal even! His little quiet cry was the most beautiful sound, I couldn’t breathe. I can’t believe he let us hear him and look into his eyes. I wanted this moment to last forever. It was perfect. He had lots of dark hair, brown eyes, chubby cheeks just like his big bro and dad. He looked exactly like Julio and Jax, except he had my hair and hands. The funny thing was he was a little bit chubby already, he was gorgeous. After a little alone time with Gabriel, Julio and I decided to start letting in a few family members at a time. We wanted everyone to meet him if they had the opportunity. My mom brought Jax in first. He was a little nervous but we told him this is your little brother Gabriel. Slowly all of our family nearby had come in to see baby Gabe. Since he was doing so well, we had everyone come in at the same time and just spent some time all together. My sister called our friend who is a very gifted photographer. She took so many precious pictures of us all with Gabriel. Those pictures are irreplaceable, they are beautiful and I will treasure them for the rest of my life.

We had this time, where everything seemed to stop. All the problems were invisible and there was peace in that room. Instead of all the negatives going through our heads, we talked and loved Gabriel. Jax, Korben, and Mateo played and made us laugh. We honestly were happy and completely unaware that our newborn son had so many health issues. How is this possible? Only an angel can bring instant peace, comfort and love within a family.

The moment came, when I knew something was wrong. Julio’s mom was holding Gabriel wrapped in blankets and a cute green striped hat. She told him that he felt a little cold. He was still breathing and looked to be sleeping. We re-wrapped him and Julio held him tight. I wanted to give him kangaroo care right then and there but I didn’t, there were too many people and Julio needed to hold his baby too. Eventually the NICU Dr. came in to check on Gabriel and I saw her listen to his heartbeat and then examine his body. She wrapped him back up and gave him back to Julio. She then came and spoke with me. She said he was beautiful and I did an excellent job. I looked at her and she told me, he’s passed away. Julio stood up and hugged me with Gabriel in his arms. I was numb, I didn’t believe her. He was just here.

I didn’t even notice everyone leave the room to give us time alone. There are no words for the way I felt. Heartbroken doesn’t begin to explain it. Julio and I couldn’t even talk; we just cried and held onto our baby we wanted so badly to wake up. After a while, we were moved to a recovery room where we were invited to stay as long as we would like but at least for one night. Julio had been holding Gabriel and handed him to me to hold. Looking at his face, you just knew he wasn’t with us anymore. He was gone and his lifeless body was so cold. He almost seemed heavy. Our wonderful nurse helped us to start talking and was so empathetic towards us. She was truly an angel as well and she will always have a special place in my heart. What are we supposed to do? How do we even begin to process this? All of the feelings of sadness, bitterness, anger, and guilt rushed back from the day we first found out about Gabriel’s condition. Some of the nurses took Gabriel’s measurements and weight in our room. They gave me a pink plastic tub and some baby Johnson soap. I gave him his first bath crying. This should be a happy experience with my baby crying until I wrap him and hold him. The nurses took him and made plaster footprints for us to keep for him; and ink prints also. When they brought him back to us, he was wearing the clothes we had gotten for him the week before. A white and gray thermal onesie, a gray and white striped beanie and some tiny socks. They had also placed him in a small white basket on some crocheted blankets. They left us alone to be with him. We were supposed to get some sleep that night, yeah right! I remember lying down and just crying with him. I held him, and then lay next to him holding his little cold hand all night. Why, why was he taken from us? So many thoughts ran through my head all night. I ended up falling asleep for a couple hours before waking up to a new day. A new day without my baby boy. Julio and I called our family and offered for them to come say goodbye to Gabriel. Somehow we were going to leave the hospital that day and we would have to leave Gabriel there.

Everyone came and said their last goodbyes. When Jax came he sat in a chair and held the basket holding Gabriel. He said “I love you Gabriel, I love you little brother. Hi baby.” My brother got this on video; I think we all broke down. I couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing these brothers together again. Julio and I couldn’t leave; we stayed and held him until late afternoon. Our nurse from the delivery was our nurse again that day. We cried with her and begged her to please take care of our son. We decided to go home at 6 PM that day. We went out through the maternity doors without our baby. I was holding some of our keepsakes and a white rose that the staff had given us. We got everything into the car, said our goodbyes to Kristen and drove away. I couldn’t breathe, again. What just happened? The song from The Band Perry came on ‘If I die young’. Has anyone heard this song? It talks about the sharp knife of a short life, just the right words. I couldn’t take my eyes off of the white rose. I honestly don’t know how Julio walked out of the hospital and drove us home. He is amazing.

Needless to say this was an incredibly sad and heart wrenching experience. What we have to think in order to live each day is that we were blessed to have Gabriel even if it was only for a short time. Gabriel made it past almost all of the obstacles that he faced. He gave us four incredible hours with him. I am so grateful and proud of him. He was truly a beautiful miracle. After carrying and meeting him, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I can’t imagine not having him in my life. He has blessed our family in so many ways. He will always be my second son named Gabriel. We will always remember him and carry him with us throughout our lives.