Where Am I?

Baby Gabe,

It’s about to be your birthday and I wish you were here to taste your first cake. Well, let’s be honest, you probably would have had cake before now in this house! Becky sent me a text with a link to a blog tonight. She is seriously an angel in our lives. I’m sure you have been watching me break down over the past months. Your daddy finally sat me down to tell me that I am falling into a hole. He is amazing and I thank him for that even though I haven’t shown that gratitude. I needed to read this blog, I needed to read the words and let out my tears. I haven’t been able to cry because I need to say how I feel out loud. Or write it in your blog, that I have not written in since I shared your story. I’m so sorry. The blog Becky told me about is written by a mom who has lost her little boy to cancer, it’s awful (http://rockstarronan.com). It's heart wrenching but amazing, I love this family so much and I don't know them. I just spent the whole night reading her entire blog from beginning to end. My eyes are swollen. I have struggled so much with how to express how I feel and this woman, this mom, somehow puts all the raw emotion and thoughts onto her blog perfectly. I related to her feelings of anger, guilt, sadness, numbness, determination, shock, and weakness all too well. I miss you so much. Jax misses you so much. Daddy does too. I feel like I held you just last week, and I can still feel your spirit and hear your sweet cry. I was at a store a few weeks ago and heard a baby cry, this has happened many times but never like this. This child sounded exactly like you, the same voice, the same cry, the same sound. I wanted to walk up to her and ask her why she took my baby, as if the baby were you. He had brown hair and brown eyes. I think the woman probably thought I was mentally ill because I whipped around so quickly and couldn’t take my eyes off of that baby. I don’t know what to do Gabe. It just hurts, it sucks and I don’t want to be apart from you. I have never been so sad in all of my life. I have an ache in my heart and an ache in my arms. I love you so much I can’t transcribe it with words. I don’t want to be sad anymore but I don’t know how to move on. Can anyone just “move on” after someone so close to them dies? Can a mother “move on” from a child’s death? No. It’s not possible, the love a parent feels for their children is unconditional and eternal. I guess what I’m saying is that I want this emotion to subside for just one day. I want to be truly happy and content with life again. I have the best husband, the best son, and I am forever grateful and lucky to have them. But the feeling doesn’t subside; it doesn’t leave me for even one day. My goal now is going to be to get to a place, where I can be joyful again. I still need to be productive and a good part of daddy and Jax’s lives. I need to be strong for them. So how do I go about this? Some people find strength in getting awareness out about the cause of a loved one’s death. Well, my beautiful Gabriel, how do you make people aware that there is a very very slight UNFAIR chance that your unborn child could have an extra chromosome #13 in every cell in their body. And this disease, condition whatever you want to call it, is “incompatible with life”. That there is no chance their child will survive. There is no cure for chromosome abnormalities. Yes, I can tell people about trisomy, maybe work with Down syndrome charities. Why? Is this an awful thing to feel? Why should I make people aware of trisomy? I suppose I could fight against abortion? I was advised to have an abortion by several highly educated professionals and I decided against it. It was not even considered. I do not have the right to take away a life. That I could never, I already loved you too much. Maybe I could be a research doctor and figure out how trisomy actually happens so that other people can avoid it. Support group. Support group has been the best support Daddy and I have gotten after losing you. Maybe I can be a loss doula, or help with support group. Thank you Gabe, just writing this down has helped me out. I will listen to my heart and do what I think you would want me to do.

I am sorry this post is so negative. I am so pissed off. It’s unfair, it’s unfair, it’s unfair, it’s unfair. The best possible place for you to be is with us. I HATE TRISOMY 13. Oh and God doesn’t need you, we need you! There will always be something missing, even if we are blessed enough to parent another child. I am sorry I have not been the best mommy, wife, friend, or person in general. I have been in a cloud of darkness, chasing after my star. Right after you left us, I honestly don’t know how I was alone with Jax most of the time. I would talk to you everywhere I was, which I still do. My hands would shake all the time. I just wanted to sleep forever. I was more angry than I am now, which is saying a lot. I pray to you, instead of God most of the time. Jax, Daddy and I definitely would not have survived this far without each other. It felt like I stepped out of a pool of water after about four or five months. I could hear and see around me again, I could talk again, but I am still wet and soaked with sadness, anger, and longing for you. Your big brother is doing much better now. He was angry too after you had to leave us. He was sad and would ask me where you were. He would ask me if you were asleep in your white basket (that the hospital put you in), or in your blue bed (viewing casket). He used to always ask me if you were going to get better soon and come to stay with us. I tried to be honest with him but not scare him. I told him that your body did not work anymore and that you couldn’t come to stay with us and you weren't here anymore. But that we must always love you and remember you. He doesn't understand when I tell him your spirit is still with us or that we can still talk to you. Maybe someday, we will all be together again. He doesn’t ask for you to come home to us anymore, but he tells you good night and I love you every single night. He never forgets I don’t even ask him to do it and he’s barely almost 3. I know you hear him. Sometimes he grabs your teddy bear and says he just wants to bring you to read stories or to go wherever we are going. I know, he's so sweet. He loves you. We are all able to be around babies now too. I held your 2^nd cousin a few weeks ago, his name is Jace. I honestly felt like I had a connection with him, like somehow maybe you two hung out before he came to be with his family. It really was the closest I have felt to you in a while. As if Jace was telling me “it’s alright, he is ok”. I know I know I must be crazy, but I believe all of that.

Now that I have opened this unorganized pile of thoughts I have so much to say. I just want to keep writing. But it’s now 3 AM and I know Jax will rise and shine early, that’s just his clock. I want to make you proud Gabriel. I want to be the best that I can be, for you and our family. I WILL carry you with me always. I will try to do something good with your journey and keep it alive. It’s still going baby boy, just because you are not here with me in my arms, does not mean that you are not still going to do great things. You already have inspired people, showered people with love, and taught us all so many things.

I love you so much.

XOXO,

Mommy